Knowing When To Say No

Embrace What God Really Has For You 

I spent much of my life being a people-pleaser.  Even though I knew the Lord, I struggled with a poor self-image and low self-esteem.  I said yes to everything because I didn’t want people to be angry or disappointed in me.  To make matters worse, I was a workaholic.  That was a pattern modeled by my father and reinforced by my pastor, who was also my employer.

It took me many years to find healing, and in the process I had to learn that “No” was not a dirty word.  In fact, there are times when it is the best response.  One of the things that taught me this was Joyce Meyer’s book Approval Addiction.  If this is a problem for you, I highly recommend reading it.

The truth of the matter is, we don’t have to accept everything that comes our way.  Some things are good for us.  Some things aren’t.  Some opportunities are worth pursuing, while other are simply distractions.  Some relationships encourage us to grow, while others pull us away from the person God is calling us to become.

Learning to recognize the difference– and having the courage to say “No”– is an important part of Christian maturity.  We have to exercise discernment in the decisions we make.

The Bible reminds us, “Test everything.  Hold on to the good, reject every kind of evil” (1 Thessalonians 5:21-22).

You might think, “Well, what I’m being asked to do isn’t evil.”  Think of the verse this way:  Hold on to the good, reject what isn’t good.  Is what you’re being asked to do good for you?  Or is it something that someone else can– and should– be doing?  Does it fit in with God’s plan for you, or will it prevent you from doing something else that you know He is calling you to?

Does God Want Me To Say “Yes” Or “No”?

We need to remember that not everything deserves a place in our lives.

We live in a culture that constantly tells us to say yes.  Yes to another invitation.  Yes to another purchase.  Yes to another commitment.  Yes to another responsibility.  Yes to a dozen other things that weren’t even on our radar yesterday.

Before long, our calendars are crowded, our minds are overloaded, and we’re wondering why we feel so stressed.

Sometimes the problem isn’t that we’re doing something wrong.  Sometimes we’re simply trying to do too much.

This is where learning to say “No” becomes so important.  Saying no doesn’t make you selfish.  It doesn’t mean you don’t care.  And it certainly doesn’t mean you’re failing to be a good Christian.

Sometimes, saying “No” is an act of wisdom. 

Jesus Himself demonstrated the importance of knowing when to step away from the demands of others.  Even though people constantly sought His attention, He regularly withdrew to quiet places to pray.  “But Jesus often withdrew to lonely places and prayed”  (Luke 5:16).  

If Jesus recognized the need to step away from the noise, surely we can give ourselves permission to do the same.

Learning What To Accept And Reject

The challenge isn’t simply learning to say “No.”

It’s learning what to say “No” to.

That’s where discernment comes in.  Not every difficult thing is bad for us.  In fact, some of the things God uses to grow us are uncomfortable.

Starting something new can be stressful.  Having a difficult conversation can be stressful.  Taking a step of faith can be stressful.

Serving others can be exhausting.  Growing spiritually can stretch us in ways we’d rather avoid.  So we shouldn’t automatically reject everything that causes stress or makes us uncomfortable.  In fact, sometimes being uncomfortable is exactly where God is growing us.

James tells us,  “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance” (James 1:2-3).

Note that “trials of many kinds” is referring to more that persecution.  During COVID, my school had to go to online instruction for a year (from an educational perspective it was a disaster, but that’s a different story).  My point is, I had to learn some new technology quickly– and I was not computer-savvy.  It actually drove me to tears on numerous occasions.

But this stressful experience proved to be beneficial later on, when God clearly called me to start this blog.  There was a lot I didn’t know, but I learned.  It took awhile– I signed up for WordPress (which I knew nothing about), but it took me three months to set up my website.  Don’t ask me how I did it, but eventually I succeeded.

So the question isn’t simply, “Will this be difficult?”  A better question is, “Will this difficulty help me grow in the direction God is leading me?”

Ask Whether It Fits God’s Purpose For Your Life

One practical way to determine whether something belongs in your life is to ask whether it aligns with the purposes and priorities God has already given you.

You don’t have to accept every opportunity simply because you’re available.  You don’t have to attend every event.  You don’t have to respond immediately to every request.  You don’t have to chase every activity that looks attractive.

Paul writes, “Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord’s will is” (Ephesians 5:17).  That means we must slow down long enough to ask God for wisdom.

Before saying yes, consider these questions: 

• Does this honor God?
• Does this fit my current priorities?
• Will this help me become more like Christ?
• Is this my responsibility or someone else’s?
• Will this prevent me from doing something God has already called me to do?
• Am I saying “Yes” because God is leading me, or because I feel guilty saying “No”?

Sometimes our “Yes” isn’t obedience– it’s people-pleasing.

And sometimes the most faith-filled word we can say is a gracious “No.”

“No” Is An Appropriate Response

When we continually accept things that don’t belong in our lives, we eventually pay the price.  Our schedules become crowded.  Our minds become cluttered.  Our energy dissipates.  Our relationships suffer.  And our time with God gets pushed farther and farther down the list.

We can’t eliminate every source of stress from our lives.  Life in a fallen world simply doesn’t work that way.  But we can eliminate some unnecessary stress by becoming more intentional about what we allow into our lives.

Proverbs offers this wisdom:  Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it” (Proverbs 4:23).

Saying “Yes” to everything is not guarding your heart.  You need to examine what you’re allowing to occupy your time, thoughts, attention, and energy.

Not everything deserves access.  And not everything deserves a permanent place on your calendar.

Sometimes the most appropriate response is “No.”  And that’s okay!

 

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